I am working on a theory about life and expectations and I would love to know what you think!
When we were in Dubai in February of 2012, we met a Syrian national at couch surfing party we attended with our host.
Nellu and I had tossed around the idea of visiting Damascus on our trip. That was not going to happen. The conflict in Syria was almost a year old at that point. Russia and China had recently vetoed a U.N. Security Council draft resolution calling for an end to the violence. And the Syrian government was still claiming the extent of the conflict and crackdown had been greatly exaggerated.
We expressed concern over the conflict and asked our new friend about his family.
He still had a brother in Syria. His brother had been out in the streets during the protests only to go inside and hear from the state-owned media that it was all a farce.
The big question that night—would the U.S. intervene?
Of course the U.S. would intervene in Syria, our new friend said, just look at what they did in Libya. (The technicality that it was a NATO-led intervention is apparently as lost on the rest of the world as it is on the U.S.)
In so many words, I told him, I wouldn’t count on it. (I don’t know why I said that.)
By the end of the month, the U.N. would estimate 7,500 people had been killed since the clash began.
In the last year and a half, we’ve watched this conflict dissolve into an all out war.
Peace talks continue to stall. New evidence suggests that both sides used chemical weapons. And the death toll and destruction mounts.
The Independent International Commission of Inquiry on Syria issued a report to the UN Human Rights Council concluding that “crimes against humanity have become a daily reality in Syria.” And it’s coming from both sides:
“Government forces and affiliated militia have committed murder, torture, rape, forcible displacement, enforced disappearance and other inhumane acts. Many of these crimes were perpetrated as part of widespread or systematic attacks against civilian populations and constitute crimes against humanity. War crimes and gross violations of international human rights law – including summary execution, arbitrary arrest and detention, unlawful attack, attacking protected objects, and pillaging and destruction of property – have also been committed. The tragedy of Syria’s 4.25 million internally displaced persons is compounded by recent incidents of IDPs being targeted and forcibly displaced.
Anti-Government armed groups have also committed war crimes, including murder, sentencing and execution without due process, torture, hostage-taking and pillage. They continue to endanger the civilian population by positioning military objectives in civilian areas. The violations and abuses committed by anti-Government armed groups did not, however, reach the intensity and scale of those committed by Government forces and affiliated militia.”
I am haunted by the exchange that night in Dubai and others that we had with people from many different countries. Love us or hate us, the world still looks to us-the U.S. We’ve been telling them could and should since we got our name on the map. (Nellu says we’re the Coca-Cola of freedom.) So do we have a responsibility to show up when things get bad?
Why did we intervene in Libya but not in Syria. The official answers is because it’s complicated and it is.
“In Libya, I thought we had to help with respect to Libya, because the leader of the country stood up and said, ‘We are going to go into Benghazi, and we are going to go house to house, and we are going to kill you like dogs.’ And I thought the international community had an obligation, knowing what was happening and going to happen, to try to make a difference. And we were able to because you had a different situation in Libya. You didn’t have the kind of sectarian divide — though you had tribal — but not sectarian divide that you have in the more complicated situation in Iran — in Syria, because you had Hezbollah coming from Lebanon, you have Iran involved, you have Russia sending support. It’s a very much more complex and different situation from Libya.”
So this is my question today: What should we do when things are complicated?
I’ve been thinking about this post for quite a long time. When I first imagined it, it was a long list filled with the important relationship advice I feel compelled to share with everyone after traveling around the world for more than a year with my husband. I apparently thought I was an expert on the subject because I spent the majority of our 396 days on the road within a 10-foot radius of him and we’re still married.
But life has a way of showing me how little I really know.
More recently, I whittled these tips down to two lessons I had learned, and thought were generally applicable to most couples. The first of these: ”Don’t criticize the other person’s driving (and maybe just don’t criticize the other person).”
But who knows! Maybe your boyfriend has horrible road rage and could use a little driver’s ed. Relationships are very specific to the people in them.
So this grand list I had in mind really just boils down to one great lesson I know to be true:
Sometimes I’M the jackass.
Do you remember last post where I discussed the omnipresent jackass? There really is always a jackass and sometimes it’s me. I know this shouldn’t be a relationship saving revelation but I think it might be.
You’d think I would have already firmly grasped the existence of my inner jackass growing up in a family of four children. My sister’s favorite retort, “Get off your high horse,” still echos in my head. Still I had never been able to translate that tip to my marriage.
There’s nothing like roaming around random foreign cities (sometimes in the middle of the night) lost and screaming at each other to encourage a little self-reflection. “What role did I play in getting us to this point?”
What role did I play? I push too hard often at the worst of times (Oslo). My brutal honesty can do more damage than most people’s lies (Sydney). Way too often I think I know what’s bothering you (Rio) and think I have all the answers for making it better (Berlin).
Too often in our closest relationships we get so hell-bent in convincing the other person we’re right, we forget to look at all the ways that we’re wrong.
The solution? As in other jackass related situations, expect the jackass. Identify the jackass. (Apologize if I’m the jackass). Move on (trying not to do it again)…
So that’s it. That’s my contribution to the stacks of self-help, relationship jewels out there.
Sometimes I’m the jackass and sometimes it could be you.